The Drumorcist

Hey Poppa Chris I bought a used set of white Slingerlands by mailorder and I'm having some problems. There was no picture, but the seller said they sounded great, needed a little TLC (whatever that means)and a set like this would make me famous. They arrived wrapped in old blankets, in boxes and they seemed to be covered with a blue mildew and reaked like cabbage or something. When I set them up downstairs, the mildew spread across part of my basement in a period of 48 hours. It reached the laundry hamper and ruined one of my wife's dresses. I think it can be dry cleaned, but she says it's ruined. She already thinks my music is a waste of time and now she's really pissed. I haven't actually heard what they sound like because I'm afraid to sit behind them. My dog stays up all night barking at the basement door and my neighbors are complaining because my radon alarm keeps going off. Is there some kind of drum spray I can squirt on them to get them back to normal? Do you think it would be safe on silk? I was advised to try and get my money back, but these are Slingerlands after all. Anthony
Dear Anthony Thank you for your email, i am very sorry about your blight err plight ..... Slingerland are a great drum kit, having them making you famous is totally dependant on how you hit them and to an unfortunate certain degree, who you hit them with! For a time in my youth, my parents sent me to a school run by jesuit priests .... i was ejumacated in a rather strict but friendly fashion ...... being taught the history of jesuit missionaries in india during the nineteenth century ....... This, on the surface may not seem to have a lot to do with your drum problems but i have found that at certain points in my career, i have had to perform "drumorcisms" .... Have your drumsticks blessed by your local bishop (if you have a cardinal living next door, that would be even better!) .... then ....... ........ sit at your kit .... flail away at them whilst yelling ......... "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!!! ..... THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU!!! Do you have the soundtrack to "the amityville horror" by any chance? if you can play along to that while performing the ritual, i have found that this helps quite a bit ...... Failing that ..... attempt to play polyrhythms, or better yet, play fast bebop jazz whilst scat singing the jazz standard "autumn leaves" ...... this has been known to clear jazz clubs in 30 seconds and may do the same for the blue gunk climbing over your basement ...... even if it fails to clear the gunk, this exercise will make you a shoe-in for any of the institutional jazz muzak courses on offer in your regional centre .... call this a win-win situation! Hope this helps, let me know what happens Failing any of the above, my friend, Max von Sydow has a priest outfit that still fits! all the best Poppa Chris 'the drumorcist" email: snailmail: pobox1063altonameadows3028 web: